A Dog Among Princes

Chapter 34

Charlotte stared at herself in the mirror. She had always been told she looked like her mother. Once she had taken heart in the comparison. It allowed her to feel closer to a woman who’s face was getting more and more difficult to remember. Now, thinking of the resemblance made her sick.

Charlotte had borrowed a pair of shears from Casca. Her hands trembled as she brought them to her long brown hair. She cut. A large clump came away in her hands. She became bolder, cutting away more and more. Once she had finished, it was short, uneven in places, but she no longer resembled her mother’s portrait so strongly. Emotions began to well up inside her. She hadn’t cried since that night in her old room when Casca had comforted her. There had been too much to worry about for her to cry, but now that she was alone and in relative safety, she began to feel the tears welling up in the corner of her eyes. She tried taking a few breaths to steady herself but found she could not stop the tears from falling.

“Lady Charlotte?” Farnese called from outside knocking on the door. “You’ve been in there for a long time, is everything alright?”

“I am fine, give me just a moment.” Charlotte choked back her tears. The door clicked open behind her regardless.

“Your hair!”

“I asked that you give me a moment!” Charlotte could feel her tears beginning to fall faster.

“I apologize if it was discourteous, but I could hear you crying. I wanted to ensure that you hadn’t hurt yourself.”

“I have not. Has your curiosity been satisfied?” Charlotte wiped her eyes.

“Would you like me to help neaten it up? You’ve cut it a little unevenly.” Charlotte placed the shears in Farnese’s hand.

The knight worked carefully, holding strands of short hair together to judge their relative lengths. She didn’t ask why Charlotte had done it, that would be too personal, she merely worked as diligently as she could to make it look neater. When she finished it was shorter than when Charlotte had started, cut like a penitent or a soldier, but it was at least even.

Charlotte ran her hand through it. It felt oddly spiky now, completely different from the soft waves she’d cut off. Her head also felt strangely light without the weight of all of it.

“Well it’s even now at least.” Farnese placed the blades down on the counter. Charlotte took a look in the mirror. She seemed smaller than she had been before. “It will take time but it should grow back eventually.” Farnese’s arm hovered just above Charlotte’s shoulder, unsure if she was allowed to touch her.

“Thank you for your help.” Charlotte gently pulled the knight’s hand onto her shoulder. “I thank you for your carefulness, I-I wouldn’t have thought it of you.”

“You said you were familiar with my reputation.” It was not a question, but a resigned statement.

“There aren’t many who do not. Though it seems I may have been wrong when I said they must have been true.”

“You were not, my lady.” Farnese looked Charlotte in the eyes. The knight’s were hardened gray, like stone. “Before I entered the church, I was cruel, I was sinful.” Her voice did not tremble as Charlotte’s would’ve with such a confession. She spoke with conviction, as if the girl was used to saying such things about herself. “I am still sinful.”

“You have been nothing but courteous in my presence. Overzealous and overly suspicious perhaps, but from my recollection neither of those are sins.”

“You do not know my thoughts.” Farnese’s eyes fell to Charlotte’s lips.

“You do not know mine either.” The tension between them was so thick Charlotte believed that she could reach out and grab hold of it. Farnese tried to avoid eye contact, but her eyes betrayed her, nervously darting back to the princess. Charlotte decided once again that this was the time to be brave. She brushed Farnese’s bangs away from her eyes.

“Your majesty?” Farnese looked at her, some of the hardness leaving her eyes for a brief moment. Charlotte kissed her. She heard a sharp intake of breath from Farnese.

The knight struggled with herself, her hands balling into fists at her sides. She knew it was wrong. It was sinful for her to feel desire for anyone, let alone a woman, let alone a princess far above her station, but at the same time, the princess’s lips were soft and despite how small and delicate she was, she kissed Farnese carefully, as if she was afraid of hurting her. The knight closed her eyes. It was enough to briefly make her forget her fear.

A door opened in the next room.

“Lady Farnese?” That was Serpico. She very quickly and rather indelicately pushed Charlotte away from herself. He opened the door to the bathroom.

Something had very obviously happened. Farnese was red faced and refusing to look at him, Charlotte’s head had been shaved. After his conversation with Griffith he didn’t really have the energy to deal with this. Serpico slowly began to close the door. Farnese shoved her hand in between the door and the frame.

“Your report?”

“Report?” Charlotte asked.

“If you will excuse me, your majesty.” Farnese curtsied and then practically sprinted out the door.

“Lady Farnese, wait!” She ignored Charlotte and closed the door behind her.

“Classy.” Serpico leaned against the wall. Farnese grabbed a hold of his collar. He raised his hands in surrender. “Hey I’m not trying to start anything.”

“What did you see?!”

“My lady, I know you’re new to having to sneak around, but usually if you open with ‘what did you see’ it only makes the other party more suspicious.” She tightened her grip. “All I saw was that someone had cut Charlotte’s hair. She didn’t look frightened so I assume that was of her own volition?”

“Yes of course it was.” She said as if they hadn’t grown up together, as if he didn’t have scars that she’d given him.

“You made it pretty obvious that something else was going on though, my lady.”

“You have no proof of that.”

“I don’t, but I know you, Lady Farnese.” He lowered his voice. “My loyalty to you will always override my loyalty to the church.”

“That is blasphemy and you know it,” she hissed back.

“My lady, I know you probably do not consider me the same way and it is probably not right for me to think so, but I love you as if you were my sister. I will always want to be your right hand, no matter what.” Farnese let go of Serpico’s collar.

“Your report.” She ignored what he’d said, but she’d also dropped the subject. That was a good sign at least.

“Griffith isn’t our man. He’s definitely not human, and he’s a real piece of work, but he’s not going to end the world.”

“And how did you come to these conclusions?”

“He caught me while I was tailing him.” Farnese scowled at him. “He could hear my heartbeat, it wasn't my fault. The point is we had a conversation. He isn’t human, he used to be, but not anymore, but he also definitely isn’t the one we’re looking for.”

“And what evidence do you have that made you come to that conclusion.”

“What’s your relationship with the princess?”

“Excuse me?”

“I had to trade one of my secrets for his, if he finds out you’ve been told it will undoubtedly come out, but if I already have one of yours…”

“There is nothing between us.” She lowered her voice. “She-she kissed me,” her face reddened, “but I’m sure it meant nothing. If you tell anyone I’ll wring your neck myself. I will not have her honor called into question because of a mistake.”

“My discretion is assured, my lady.”

“Now what proof do you have?”

“You were half right, he was supposed to be the Falcon of Darkness, but he managed to defy fate through force of will.”

“Explain.” Farnese’s eyes narrowed. Serpico told her the decision Griffith had been offered and the choice he’d decided to make despite what he’d believed would be the consequences. “Why would he tell you this?”

Because he was just as calculating and ruthless as a demon. Because somehow Griffith had sensed that part of him. Because Serpico hid hatred and aggression within himself that was so strong it sometimes frightened even him. “Because he had dirt on me and thought I wouldn’t tell anyone and I think he felt like he needed to tell somebody.”

“And what is it that you’re hiding?”

“My lady…”

“As your commander I have a right to know, especially if it would make you susceptible to further blackmail.”

“Trust me, it’s something only he’d be able to figure out.”

“You know I have means of getting it out of you.”

“Lady Farnese, I promise you, you’re better off not knowing.” She grabbed his collar again. He let his eyes fall open fully, gray eyes meeting gray eyes.

“Farnese,” he dropped the honorific for the first time since they were children, pity in his expression. “Look at me like you’d never met me before. Who do I remind you of?” She’d never allowed herself to see it before. Not even Giorgio, Poliziano, or Magnifico looked as much like her father. Farnese dropped him. She felt like she was going to vomit. “I told you that you were better off.” He didn’t flinch away. She started running in the other direction.

“Farnese! Wait!” She ignored him and kept going. Shit. Charlotte opened the door to the bathroom and he quickly resumed his normal calm half lidded expression. “Your majesty.” He inclined his head pretending nothing had happened.

“She ran away from you too?” She asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper. It looked like she’d been crying.

“Honestly this is an improvement,” he laughed. “She has always avoided her problems rather than facing them, but usually she’d remove them from sight far more permanently.”

“I don’t really see how that’s funny.” Charlotte squeaked.

“It really isn’t.” He shot her a sympathetic look.

Charlotte did vomit the second she got outside. She wanted to kill Serpico for what he’d done, or rather for what he’d allowed her to do. She wanted to kill Charlotte for making her feel the way she did for driving her to sin. But, at the same time, Serpico was her only friend. Charlotte was one of the only people that regarded her without fear or judgment. Her heart was tearing itself apart in her chest. She didn’t know what to do. All they had done was indulge her in her sin, they had enabled her but she was still the one who had sinned. Maybe it was she who needed to die. She just wanted the pain to go away. The flames would take it from her. They would free her as they always had.

Farnese moved deeper into the woods on the knight’s property. The woods behind her home had always given her comfort. They were her sacred place more than any church. There she could engage in quiet contemplation surrounded by God's creations, as worship should be conducted, away from the gaze of others. She began to build a pyre as she had many times before. In her youth she had allowed the flames to take all of her troubles. It was fitting that she too should be consigned to flame.

Farnese lit the pyre with practiced ease. Flame still filled her with wonder whenever she saw it. It was like a living breathing thing. Perfect in ways that a human being could not be. Beautiful and powerful. She watched as the flame built higher and higher. It was now at the right size and strength to throw herself in. She stood watching the flames and tried to step forward. She was cruel, she was sinful, she was a failure, and a disappointment, but she didn’t want to die. She collapsed to the ground, weeping before the flame. She couldn’t do it, she didn’t have the strength to.

“FARNESE!” Serpico kicked appart the pyre she’d built. He shielded his eyes from the heat and ash. Farnese knew he was afraid of fire, why was he stomping out the burning remains of the pyre?

“Lady Farnese!” The bottom of Charlotte’s dress was torn and she was breathing heavily from exertion. She wrapped her arms around the knight crying her eyes out as well. Farnese had tainted her with her sinfulness, why did the princess comfort her? When the last embers had been stomped out Serpico wrapped his arms around her as well.

“I’m sorry, Farnese, but everything is going to be okay alright? Everything is going to be okay.” He was crying too. It almost sounded like he was trying to reassure himself rather than Farnese. She continued to sob, letting herself be held by her brother and the girl who seemed to foolishly care about her. Snot ran down her face with the force of her sobs, but neither let her go in disgust. They both held her tighter.